I was in bali for the Christmas of 2018. I remember talking to this German guy over a mango juice until 3am at my hostel. He has come to Ubud to find himself and was trying everything from therapeutic touch to life coaching. He read me his poem, called cycling on the edge of a spiral. I haven't read much philosophy back then except watching Hank Green's Crash Course Philosophy, and a failed attempt of reading Heidegger's Being and Time. I was pleasantly amazed by the theories in the poem and the explanations he did. A lot happened in that trip; I performed at a church mass, one of the locals who was very nice to us ended up being a stalker. But these are stories for another time.

After coming back to Singapore and after few days of research I realized he's heavily influenced by Jordan Peterson; the custodian of the patriarchy, frontman of the Intellectual dark web. That's when the spark of the poem started to dim. The magic started to fade. So Tim, if you ever stumble upon this just know that your poem is garbage.

In 2019, my family and I were falling apart from Buddhism. I'm not sure exactly what my parents found solace in but you need an alternative if you don't believe in Divine command. The aftermath was me reading existentialism, romantisizing the myth of sisyphus and talking about Sisyphus in all the house parties I go to. People didn't hate it though.
"The king of Ephyra was condemned to roll a rock to the top of a mountain, only to have the rock roll back down to the bottom every time he reaches the top." I tell them, whiskey in hand. (Now I'm more of a gin person)
"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart",
The corporate crowd nods in agreement.
"One must imagine Sisyphus happy." The crowd goes wild.

I didn't stop at Camus despite how good looking he is. I didn't stop at Sartre despite he isn't. I was very facinated by Cioran though. My man wrote himself out of suicide over and over again. Published his first book "On the heights of Despair" when he was 23. That book has indeed helped me in the times of despair.

I wrote about Sisyphus again when I was reflecting on my brother's death earlier this year.

Somebody should philosophize an alternative story of Sisyphus where instead of one, there are multiple Sisyphuses pushing the boulder uphill in great camaraderie. Every time it nears the top, it rolls back down like in the original story. But once in a while, it rolls down killing a fellow sispyhus. So along with the uphill struggle, you have to deal with the grief of losing a fellow sisyphus. Now that’s more like life — a more materialist contemplation to something subjectivist. One must imagine Sisyphus happy and also grieving.

Philosophizing life helps. "An unexamined life is not worth living." Another overused party quote of mine; originally Socrates. That won't be the only thing I'd do here though. I would like to be political too. What is existence, if not political? That's it really. Like Cioran I will write myself out of (Philosophical) suicide, until I won't. Surprised I made it to 30 to be honest. But then Cioran lived 84 years. We are the cursed ones.

My next article is titled "I wish I could talk to more people about death". If you came here looking for something euphoric, you came to the wrong place.

Until we meet again, whether it's at the peak or the trough, thank you for being a part of this journey.

Love,
Nisal